Soliton part 3: The bitterness inside me

This post is the hardest to write. It is as honest as I know I am. A few years ago I broke down and couldn't comprehend why I was so different from everyone else. I've always tried to wear it, to look as different as I feel. This week brought the worst of me to the surface. Although I'm not really sure it is bad because it is who I am and internally I have no reason for disliking myself.
You need to know who I am. Some of my best friends don't even know. I am sick, or at least I feel that way. Society has told me that I am wrong.
First, I am truly anti-social and have anxiety issues when I am around too many people in a social situation. The longer I am around groups of people and I can't get away (like this week) the more bitter I get.
Second, I am an introvert even when people think they are getting to know me I only reveal a little bit. I am an intensely private person and don't like many people to know my goings-on.
Third, I have no desire to fulfill a traditional male role in society. I don't really like sports (I like golf and hockey a little), I'm not into working out, I usually don't really enjoy hanging out with guys that much, I'm not a brute, I prefer female friends to male ones, and I have no problem being effeminate and wearing makeup (though no more than ye olde powdered wig guy). I'm still just a guy but I have trouble relating to most other men.
Fourth, since I am an intensely private person I only really empathize with my family and my close friends. I have a hard time feeling love for others in my heart though I do my best to still demonstrate the love I think I should have for those I don't know. I can't really empathize with the suffering of people I haven't met and it takes a real good personal story to get me to feel for a stranger. I have no empathy for those who suffer or die as I am relitively unacquainted with suffering.
Fifth, worst of all I have a black heart better suited for an antichrist. I relish in the night with black desires. When I hear about potential for calamity in my heart I wish for the worst to happen. I am a sucker for tales of destruction. Regretably, I actually desired that the recent natural disasters would have caused more death and destruction. In my heart I actually feel no pity for anyone in New Orleans. This part of me disgusts me. Luckily, I usually share these thoughts with no one, I am able to overcome my heart and at least force myself to neutrality. This is the way God wired me. Still the internal conflict bothers me, and I wear black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside. I pray that as I continue to become a stronger Christian that this desire of the flesh will become less and less.