Changes in life, or, growth through girlfriends
On a more positive note than my previous post, I have a wonderful new girlfriend named Someone (real names are no fun and thats what she calls me on her blog). This is of course coming at a time of rising faith.
This is a look back at some of my more serious relationships (2+ months) and see how they affected (afflicted?) my faith.
1: When I first became a Christian immediately God provided me with a girlfriend. As far asthis was my first serious relationship it really wasn't all too serious. She taught me how to respect a girl, how to kiss and actually taught me to be a more accepting open Christian. She didn't really derail my faith too much as she was destined just for friendship and we were silly highschoolers that never really got too serious. She was, however, a key to my first step to self-expressionism.
2: This relationship really never should have happened. Despite everyone thinking I was extremely mature for my age I realize everyone had no idea what maturity is and I definitely wasn't mature enough. Though I was still a relatively new believer and she was too I quickly fell to the seduction of someone who wasn't clinically sane. Depending on the season, the medication and how frequently she actually took it I was led on a long journey of sin while still maintaining a life as a badly justified believer. I got engaged but was away at college. Being the nympho she was, while I was gone she cheated on me. The engagement and my heart was broken. Through the months of recovery I experienced little growth and was always asking God "Why?!?". I had given my heart and it wasn't enough to fix her, why God let this happen made no sense to me (at the time). This relationship is regretful, but it did make me grow.
3: After my faith had increased along with my knowledge of scripture and dedication to Christ I was leading a Bible study and was working hard to get my radio ministry off the ground. I met a cat girl that I so admired I knew I had to date. She is the only one I am still a friend with and the only one I still look up to in some ways because of her amazing faith and boldness. Unfortunately though she had a strong faith (and I did end up saving her life) she had so much baggage from a previous relationship and consumed me so much that I didn't have the time to continue my Bible study and my one-on-one relationships that I was developing also suffered. I had tried to maintain a look of normalcy so that I could try to relate to others but once I met her I just had to be myself. I do thank her for freeing me up from a lot of the baggage I had felt about who I am (see previous post) and helping me reach the next level of self-expressionism. However, the relationship ended in farce as neither of us really thought we were meant for each other, just neither of us wanted to be alone. She left me after being near suicidal and needing to recover, I became ugly with desire for her and pathetic, I didn't want to be alone. Though she did derail some of my previous ministry she had changed me enough to leave the evangelical Baptist movement and join up with the Vineyard revolution.
4: Dating a best friend is usually a bad idea. Dating someone who was raised a Christian but had no spiritual life was also a bad idea. This was at a low point in my faith when I was alone in SoCal. I couldn't find a church family I was welcome in and I was spiritually weak. I never, through our hours of talks, ever changed her life to a Christian one. Luckily for me, I found out she had a real fear of men and anything more than hugging and I never really did any worse than ruining our friendship.
5: I had just moved to San Jose I was actually spiritually hyped up from moving and my new church. Not all spirituality was created equal. I warned this girl that we should not date because if we got together it would likely end painfully. I really didn't want the relationship but my lonliness got the better of me. A Wiccan is not a good person for a Christian to date, but I did. The relationship greatly stopped all of the great plans God had for me at that time. I made good on my promise of pain as she loved me greatly, but I just couldn't love her. I learned that "good" people exist outside of Christianity and that no desire of my own to make a person a Christian will ever cause it to happen.
Finally, present time. I have learned so much from these people, from self-imposed isolation, from prayer and from my growth together with God. I have finally begun to see my spiritual life ramp back up. I worry for the future that I will lose the momentum I have now that I have so frequently lost before. But I have hope and confidence that God will make it all work out in his way, this time I'm stronger.
This is a look back at some of my more serious relationships (2+ months) and see how they affected (afflicted?) my faith.
1: When I first became a Christian immediately God provided me with a girlfriend. As far asthis was my first serious relationship it really wasn't all too serious. She taught me how to respect a girl, how to kiss and actually taught me to be a more accepting open Christian. She didn't really derail my faith too much as she was destined just for friendship and we were silly highschoolers that never really got too serious. She was, however, a key to my first step to self-expressionism.
2: This relationship really never should have happened. Despite everyone thinking I was extremely mature for my age I realize everyone had no idea what maturity is and I definitely wasn't mature enough. Though I was still a relatively new believer and she was too I quickly fell to the seduction of someone who wasn't clinically sane. Depending on the season, the medication and how frequently she actually took it I was led on a long journey of sin while still maintaining a life as a badly justified believer. I got engaged but was away at college. Being the nympho she was, while I was gone she cheated on me. The engagement and my heart was broken. Through the months of recovery I experienced little growth and was always asking God "Why?!?". I had given my heart and it wasn't enough to fix her, why God let this happen made no sense to me (at the time). This relationship is regretful, but it did make me grow.
3: After my faith had increased along with my knowledge of scripture and dedication to Christ I was leading a Bible study and was working hard to get my radio ministry off the ground. I met a cat girl that I so admired I knew I had to date. She is the only one I am still a friend with and the only one I still look up to in some ways because of her amazing faith and boldness. Unfortunately though she had a strong faith (and I did end up saving her life) she had so much baggage from a previous relationship and consumed me so much that I didn't have the time to continue my Bible study and my one-on-one relationships that I was developing also suffered. I had tried to maintain a look of normalcy so that I could try to relate to others but once I met her I just had to be myself. I do thank her for freeing me up from a lot of the baggage I had felt about who I am (see previous post) and helping me reach the next level of self-expressionism. However, the relationship ended in farce as neither of us really thought we were meant for each other, just neither of us wanted to be alone. She left me after being near suicidal and needing to recover, I became ugly with desire for her and pathetic, I didn't want to be alone. Though she did derail some of my previous ministry she had changed me enough to leave the evangelical Baptist movement and join up with the Vineyard revolution.
4: Dating a best friend is usually a bad idea. Dating someone who was raised a Christian but had no spiritual life was also a bad idea. This was at a low point in my faith when I was alone in SoCal. I couldn't find a church family I was welcome in and I was spiritually weak. I never, through our hours of talks, ever changed her life to a Christian one. Luckily for me, I found out she had a real fear of men and anything more than hugging and I never really did any worse than ruining our friendship.
5: I had just moved to San Jose I was actually spiritually hyped up from moving and my new church. Not all spirituality was created equal. I warned this girl that we should not date because if we got together it would likely end painfully. I really didn't want the relationship but my lonliness got the better of me. A Wiccan is not a good person for a Christian to date, but I did. The relationship greatly stopped all of the great plans God had for me at that time. I made good on my promise of pain as she loved me greatly, but I just couldn't love her. I learned that "good" people exist outside of Christianity and that no desire of my own to make a person a Christian will ever cause it to happen.
Finally, present time. I have learned so much from these people, from self-imposed isolation, from prayer and from my growth together with God. I have finally begun to see my spiritual life ramp back up. I worry for the future that I will lose the momentum I have now that I have so frequently lost before. But I have hope and confidence that God will make it all work out in his way, this time I'm stronger.
posted by Shin-yo at 8:45 PM
1 Comments:
Once again you've been de-railed by a woman. If you were to write about it, what would you say?
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