Passion

I remember this one summer I decided I wanted to elevate my existence and feel alive and passionate again. I decided the best way to do it (besides drugs!) was to make the world fuzzy. I'm pretty sure this is how God sees (wait until I explain). So in order to accomplish this I of course had to wear lots of fuzzy velour clothing and get in the right mental mood. I usually accomplished this by showing up to a local show, letting my eyes blur until nothing is sharp, and letting my mind let the sounds go out of focus. Now previously my eyes saw sharply and my ears heard the definate. So pre-judgemental! But in my fuzzy state that all melted away, people and places were no longer classified and sorted but rather amalgamated as some sort of archetype. I saw things as they were rather than how I thought they were.
How does this story apply to passion? Well, in this objective state I saw the innate beauty of every object, everything was magical. In my head I loved everyone as closely as I could to how God loves everyone. When I let myself escape the fuzzy state my views of everything returned. I saw the ills of man and his desperate strive for attention and meaning.
During this time I wanted to live with my fuzzy love passion for everything but couldn't reconcile it with reality. What I've learned is that while I could temporarily change my sensory temporal life I couldn't permeanantly cause this passionateness.
This is one of the most important reasons for belief in God (besides faith). Humanity has no passion (or meaning) of its own. We try to create our own. Belief in a higher power instills us with passion not created of ourselves. This higher power is our reason and cause to exist and live. For nothing else do we need to live.
Absense of a higher power would cause us to keep searching in ourselves for passion and truth and ultimately lead us to discover that people really aren't all that special.
I hope this makes some sense. If not at least its probably at least worth a laugh.

Sugar candy kisses

Ever notice how nobody has staying power? That is nobody nowadays seems to be able to sit still for any extended period of time. Everyones' focus is so divided. We are in a Go world, stopping is unheard of. Its only recently started to bug me, the people around me are adults but they are as wiggly as children. Too much sugar, coffee and pent up energy is doing our American world in. I have to stop it, its so distracting.
Everyone has ADD except me. Or maybe I just hang out with the ADD crowd but stillness is lacking.
I've been thinking about trying to get a 20 minute period of meditation, silence and stillness into my life and see how it affects my life, spiritually, mentally and physically.
I'd be a liar if I said I didn't love sweet thing though :)

I used to think, "Man, if I walk around with a cane everyone will think I'm a pimp!" Turns out I was wrong but at least I weirded out some people. This was Valentine's Day 2002. 

I miss Britain Kitten. Such good times in London. Shes the worlds best cat girl and a damn good host. Shes also your best guide to the grittier dark parts of London, especially "goff" 

I really want to go back to the U.K. this year. Here I am at the top of England on Scarfell Pike. Their hiking trails aren't as well marked as ours are. Very natural. 

I am not dead. But I sometimes wish I am immortal. 

Me getting ready to go to the Blank Club on Halloween. The blood isn't real, this time. 

This was me a few weeks ago getting ready to go out to the Blank Club. Note the white makeup, red lipstick and heavy eyeliner. Mmmm. 

St. Valentines Day is upon us...

St. Valentines Day is upon us and there is no lady-friend for me to be found. So I decided to go out with my friend K since she has no one either. We'll be miserable together. Dinner & maybe a movie. I'd get her flowers but last time we had flowers, which some gay guy gave to her and I, she tore them up and threw them all over the dance floor. Still looking for that one special someone. Its not depressing because I can't get a date (because I can), its depressing in some way that its my beliefs that are causing me to be single. Being a Christian is hard work. Especially when I don't hang out with any other Christians, or in places where they may exist. This of course explains why my dating prospects are nil. I reject all the non-Christian girls.

I've always been single on Valentine's day, except for that one miserable time when I was still engaged to E (ugh! bad memories) and it completely sucked (we broke up a week later). So this hasn't traditionally been the happiest time of the year for me.

I am not a common person

So among the songs I've been listening to a lot lately is Common People by Pulp. Its all about this rich girl who wants to become a commoner and try as she might she never will be. She doesn't understand failure, poverty or common desires. She can't give up the education or the culture she is from and if she got tired of it her daddy would bail her out.

But still you'll never get it right
'cause when you're laid in bed at night
Watching roaches climb the wall
If you called your dad he could stop it all

Sometimes I feel like this song is my life. And no I'm not the common person. I'm the rich girl well not a girl but you know what I mean. Sometimes I have feelings of elitism, I can't justify having the desires of the people around me and the baseness of them disgusts me. Of course stupid elitist ideas make you solitary and so in reaction I wish I could be a common person.

And dance and drink and screw
Because there's nothing else to do.

But even that will never happen. Well the dancing will but try as I might to screw up my life my faith in God prevents me from doing the things I would want to do. Of course the things I want to do are worse by far than what God wishes me to do.
I'll never be a common person, my life is too good.

Lonliness settles in...

I must be really odd because I just rejected a really hot girl tonight. Yes, I get lonely sometimes and you would think I would jump on the opportunity to date a beautiful girl but no.
For one, I'm not so shallow as to think looks are everything, cause they're really not. No good having a relationship where the girl can't carry a good conversation (or does but its all about herself). Also, I don't try to be an intellectual elitist but I at least hope the girl would have had some book smarts.
Then of course most importantly is faith. Me I got it and the girl I would date has gotta have it too.
Well she didn't quite meet up to my standards. But nobody seems to... where are all the good girls hiding?
And its SO hard to tell people that you just want to be friends. It shouldn't be hard but it is. It feels like I'm letting them down. Well better now than later.