Thursday, September 15, 2005

Soliton part 5: Pictures

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I feel like Chariots of Fire or something...

I got off work today and since I sat for 8 hours I decided to go on a job. I went down the street from my place and found the Bay Trail (map) and started hiking. If you look at the map you can see that it is predominantly over water, water that used to be part of the bay but is now part of the Sunnyvale wastewater treatment facility. Surprisingly it didn't smell bad but they were weird oozes and chunks floating in the water. The thing is nobody really goes out there because its sorta a hidden area to anyone but the locals.
Well I started walking out onto one of the dikes and noticed one thing: birds. Thousands of birds of several species were clustered on the dike ahead of me. Well I couldn't pass it up so I started running towards them and clapping my hands. A steady flow of birds took to the air as I got near, I felt some giant bubble around me that was pushing them away. It continued for about 200 ft and when I looked back over 500 birds were in the air due to me running through. It was really awesome to be there and I wish I only had a camera of some sort or even a witness to see the sheer excitement of it.
The one downside: walking through tons of bird crap.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Soliton part 4: Return to my roots?

The Soliton experience was largely a dialogue on the Emergent Church living in a supposedly Post-modernist world. There was a heavy influence on characteristics of post-modernism like globalization and consumerism along with a heavy influence on social justice and activism. While I do value there various new expressions of worship like Body Prayer and Celtic Christian influences the other factors I just mentioned just don't jive with my outlook on life. I was first a Christian in a Baptist evangelical context and the only reason I left that was because I desired a heightened sense of spirituality that the contemporary church I was attending did not provide. I was reminded at Soliton of my friend FWWTRN's similar journey from evangelical to emergent and his subsequent jump after a deep time of spiritual study to a form of Calvinism (was it Neo-Calvinism?). I was also reminded of my recent visit to the stone sanctuaries of the U.K., now tourist sites, but once homes of deep faith (C.S. Lewis was a CofE member), and of the strong Biblical teaching my first church once had before it was modernized. I felt a yearning for simplicity in the complication of this event, a return to stone sanctuaries and simple faith, a draw to strong Biblical rather than experiencial teaching. Where will this lead me?

Changes in life, or, growth through girlfriends

On a more positive note than my previous post, I have a wonderful new girlfriend named Someone (real names are no fun and thats what she calls me on her blog). This is of course coming at a time of rising faith.
This is a look back at some of my more serious relationships (2+ months) and see how they affected (afflicted?) my faith.
1: When I first became a Christian immediately God provided me with a girlfriend. As far asthis was my first serious relationship it really wasn't all too serious. She taught me how to respect a girl, how to kiss and actually taught me to be a more accepting open Christian. She didn't really derail my faith too much as she was destined just for friendship and we were silly highschoolers that never really got too serious. She was, however, a key to my first step to self-expressionism.
2: This relationship really never should have happened. Despite everyone thinking I was extremely mature for my age I realize everyone had no idea what maturity is and I definitely wasn't mature enough. Though I was still a relatively new believer and she was too I quickly fell to the seduction of someone who wasn't clinically sane. Depending on the season, the medication and how frequently she actually took it I was led on a long journey of sin while still maintaining a life as a badly justified believer. I got engaged but was away at college. Being the nympho she was, while I was gone she cheated on me. The engagement and my heart was broken. Through the months of recovery I experienced little growth and was always asking God "Why?!?". I had given my heart and it wasn't enough to fix her, why God let this happen made no sense to me (at the time). This relationship is regretful, but it did make me grow.
3: After my faith had increased along with my knowledge of scripture and dedication to Christ I was leading a Bible study and was working hard to get my radio ministry off the ground. I met a cat girl that I so admired I knew I had to date. She is the only one I am still a friend with and the only one I still look up to in some ways because of her amazing faith and boldness. Unfortunately though she had a strong faith (and I did end up saving her life) she had so much baggage from a previous relationship and consumed me so much that I didn't have the time to continue my Bible study and my one-on-one relationships that I was developing also suffered. I had tried to maintain a look of normalcy so that I could try to relate to others but once I met her I just had to be myself. I do thank her for freeing me up from a lot of the baggage I had felt about who I am (see previous post) and helping me reach the next level of self-expressionism. However, the relationship ended in farce as neither of us really thought we were meant for each other, just neither of us wanted to be alone. She left me after being near suicidal and needing to recover, I became ugly with desire for her and pathetic, I didn't want to be alone. Though she did derail some of my previous ministry she had changed me enough to leave the evangelical Baptist movement and join up with the Vineyard revolution.
4: Dating a best friend is usually a bad idea. Dating someone who was raised a Christian but had no spiritual life was also a bad idea. This was at a low point in my faith when I was alone in SoCal. I couldn't find a church family I was welcome in and I was spiritually weak. I never, through our hours of talks, ever changed her life to a Christian one. Luckily for me, I found out she had a real fear of men and anything more than hugging and I never really did any worse than ruining our friendship.
5: I had just moved to San Jose I was actually spiritually hyped up from moving and my new church. Not all spirituality was created equal. I warned this girl that we should not date because if we got together it would likely end painfully. I really didn't want the relationship but my lonliness got the better of me. A Wiccan is not a good person for a Christian to date, but I did. The relationship greatly stopped all of the great plans God had for me at that time. I made good on my promise of pain as she loved me greatly, but I just couldn't love her. I learned that "good" people exist outside of Christianity and that no desire of my own to make a person a Christian will ever cause it to happen.
Finally, present time. I have learned so much from these people, from self-imposed isolation, from prayer and from my growth together with God. I have finally begun to see my spiritual life ramp back up. I worry for the future that I will lose the momentum I have now that I have so frequently lost before. But I have hope and confidence that God will make it all work out in his way, this time I'm stronger.

Soliton part 3: The bitterness inside me

This post is the hardest to write. It is as honest as I know I am. A few years ago I broke down and couldn't comprehend why I was so different from everyone else. I've always tried to wear it, to look as different as I feel. This week brought the worst of me to the surface. Although I'm not really sure it is bad because it is who I am and internally I have no reason for disliking myself.
You need to know who I am. Some of my best friends don't even know. I am sick, or at least I feel that way. Society has told me that I am wrong.
First, I am truly anti-social and have anxiety issues when I am around too many people in a social situation. The longer I am around groups of people and I can't get away (like this week) the more bitter I get.
Second, I am an introvert even when people think they are getting to know me I only reveal a little bit. I am an intensely private person and don't like many people to know my goings-on.
Third, I have no desire to fulfill a traditional male role in society. I don't really like sports (I like golf and hockey a little), I'm not into working out, I usually don't really enjoy hanging out with guys that much, I'm not a brute, I prefer female friends to male ones, and I have no problem being effeminate and wearing makeup (though no more than ye olde powdered wig guy). I'm still just a guy but I have trouble relating to most other men.
Fourth, since I am an intensely private person I only really empathize with my family and my close friends. I have a hard time feeling love for others in my heart though I do my best to still demonstrate the love I think I should have for those I don't know. I can't really empathize with the suffering of people I haven't met and it takes a real good personal story to get me to feel for a stranger. I have no empathy for those who suffer or die as I am relitively unacquainted with suffering.
Fifth, worst of all I have a black heart better suited for an antichrist. I relish in the night with black desires. When I hear about potential for calamity in my heart I wish for the worst to happen. I am a sucker for tales of destruction. Regretably, I actually desired that the recent natural disasters would have caused more death and destruction. In my heart I actually feel no pity for anyone in New Orleans. This part of me disgusts me. Luckily, I usually share these thoughts with no one, I am able to overcome my heart and at least force myself to neutrality. This is the way God wired me. Still the internal conflict bothers me, and I wear black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside. I pray that as I continue to become a stronger Christian that this desire of the flesh will become less and less.

Soliton part 2: Practicioners

From Soliton, the most valuable place I've grown is with the people from my church with whom I went down with. I met a lot of nice people there but since they don't live here, I'll probably never talk to them again, which is ok.
Liz: This is the person whom I've had the most radical perception change with. I didn't really know what to make of her before since I didn't really know her. I assumed she was one of the preppy clichy girls that I wouldn't have been able to connect with. Rather, I've discovered her sincerity and motivation. She is shy yet so sociable that she is always everyones friend. She is a master facilitator and I've enjoyed her vision. Liz: check out http://www.lobotgallery.com/
Mike: I've gotten closer to Mike and his kind heart. Despite his random chirps in the car and interesting conversation topics. Mike: check out http://www.aradhnamusic.com/
Jon: I am ever amazed by everyones insistence that Jon is an introvert. Who else would be jumping around with excitement before lunch? This calm collected man of his family. Jon: check out the band Elliott.
Rob and Ang: Although I've known these two the longest I only finally realize their bitterness for the physical church and their desire for change. I don't know if you have time for it but maybe you (and others too) might enjoy the freshness of Relevant.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Soliton part 1

I have returned from Soliton in Ventura, CA. It was a brain processing event that I will write a few times about as persistence allows. First a poem from our God-experiencing walk through town:

Come to the city where the gods look down and approve,
In their shade: trips, falls and down right dirtiness messies the streets.
So despairing, their very homes are laid open, but the gods wouldn't spare.
Below, all they want is someone to listen, to bear even a second of the burden of life,
the desperate feed where they are able, the scraps will do,
they've been taught want, even when there is no need.
The very plants, primitive conifers and spiky palms, pierce right through the modern desires they reach for. The flowers though, they bring hope, their eye-truth is beauty.
The people lie helpless as the heart-coating they need lies bound,
the eyes of the workers not yet opened realizing that a little paint will go a long way.
Even though Christ gave us salvation, why do we try to buy it?
Can we ascend to God with these poor spirits, will we look upon them?
Only one life 'twill soon be past, only whats done for Christ will last.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Love, what is it? A solid or a liquid?

I wrote this back in early 2000, I'll let you guess what was on my mind then. Actually I'm not even sure what this says since I just copied and pasted this from what I wrote back then but I'm sure it all makes sense. Oh yeah, also check out the song Love's Not by Mars Ill.

Love -what I now know
I've learned a lot about love, especially in the last few months because of various relational issues, most of what I thought before was wrong! But now I know the truth.
Love is not really a feeling. Love is always the same, person to person, always.
What is "love"? Well first I will tell you what love isn't.
Love is not affection nor attraction. Affection is a special feeling between two people, nobody has real affection for everybody and nobody wants to. Love isn't affection, people should love everybody else. It probably wouldn't be a good idea if you had affection for everyone. Too much immorality and debauchery would occur. So love obviously isn't affection.
Love is also not lust!!! Lust is completely different. Lust is desire, a desire that shouldn't be there. Nobody should desire for what they don't have but rather cherish what they do. There is no desire in true love but for more love! Lust is immoral and wrong, and calling lust love is one of the most common on purpose mistakes people have. I know, I've lusted before and called it love. Don't mistake lust for love!!!
Love is nothing like anyone portrays on TV or any other popular media. Love is only one thing, just one thing. And no, I'm not the one who thought of this myself, but love is this: Valueing someone as God values them. How does this work? Well, how does God value you? God values you as an important and vital part of His creation. He did not create you as something worthless, but rather as valueable as anything the world could offer and then some. A life is more valueable than anything and when you realize this, you must realize how God wants you to treat each and every person. Now you can love, but how do you maintain it?
Love is patient and not easily angered. No matter how much someone annoys you or how much you want them to change, patience is key. Impatience is a bad trait, the patient are fruitful and at peace because they do not worry themselves with hurrying. By having patience, your love will abound and people will come to you for help, your connections will grow and all will be well.
Love is kind and not rude. Whenever someone makes a rude remark or forgets to call you, what is your response? Being kind is oh so valuable. When you are kind to others they tend to reciprocate and show kindness back on you. Think, if the whole world were kind there would be no war, hate, anger or malice. Everyone wins when you are kind, so show kindness to all.
Love does not envy. When you envy someone you want what they have, envy leads to jealousy, jealousy leads to anger, and anger leads to hate. You must be content with what you have, and appreciate your life. When people see the contentness you have they will envy you!
Love does not boast. You can't be proud of the love you have, because the love you have will NEVER compare to the infinite love of God.
Love is not self-seeking. Nobody should seek personal gain from love! Personal gain may occur in the process of loving though. When one seeks personal gain through loving they are nothing but a greedy person, and greed is not good!
Love keeps no record of wrongs. In true love, if you forgive someone it is not that you will forget what they have done, but rather that you will not bring it up again. I am guilty of keeping a record of wrongs, I find it hard to truly forgive the people I want to love. But I am working on it and I am making progress. I encourage you to think deeply about forgiveness. Are you really going to make it better by holding a grudge or seeking revenge? No, everyone is happier and more loved when wrongs are not brought up unneccesarily.
Love rejoices with the truth, not evil. Lieing is never ever right. Deception is usually pointless and wrong. Why do you need to lurk in the shadows with your lies and deceit. Tell the truth, everyone will feel more loved that way.
As always, love protects. No it doesn't harm others that isn't loving! It protects others from any harm!
Love always trusts. Love always assumes innocent until proven guilty. Jumping to conclusions never helped anyone. Trust in people until they absolutely give you a reason to not believe. Its amazing what trust can do! Try it!
Love always hopes. Hope is always there, so use it. Always hope for the best for everyone, hope and pray for improvement. Without hope there is dispair and thats no good. So hope for good things.
Love always perseveres and NEVER fails. Perseverance goes hand in hand with patientce. Stick with people and love them and goodness abounds! Love can never fail, its a solution to badness because love is good. Even when someone stabs you in the back, true love perseveres and keeps going. Don't ever give up on love!